Why am I now finding out my sister was transgender?

“Why are you just now finding out your sister was transgender?”

Recently, I was asked that question.

I have spent the past year and a half excavating my memory, pouring over the writings of my mother, grandmother and grandfather and digging through my diaries which I began on November 18, 1971.

I have rummaged through family pictures and digitized 8mm videos, and I have obtained photos and documents which had previously been in the possession of my two brothers.

The clues were there all along. Why were we so clueless?

I have this memory which is attached to a sense of horror and confusion. I came home one day from high school, around 1976, and Martine was wearing one of my dresses. It was gold and green, with caftan sleeves.

When Martine’s body was found on December 15, 1982, in San Francisco, she was wearing a dress. The police report and the autopsy refer to “Martine,” as she had legally changed her name by then.

In a letter dated May 23, 1983, Pop writes:

“Martin went to San Francisco and…while there he decided that he wanted to be a girl… It appears that [Martine] was the spelling that he used for his social security number.”

This letter is addressed to the Western Pioneer Life Insurance Co., dated May 23, 1983, as Pop was explaining the discrepancy between the birth and death certificates of the deceased.

“Ms. Martine Halbrooks, Room 205, National Hotel, 1139 Market St., San Francisco, 94102,” is the return address on an envelope addressed to Pop. It is postmarked April 17, 1975.

Just this past week, I received word that Martine took female hormones. Martine told this to Mom many decades ago. Mom told our neighbor, who then told her son. As teenagers, he and Martine had played pickup basketball in his backyard, across the street from our house, most every afternoon for years. This past Sunday, I called this man, and he remembered the conversation our mothers had. Mom had told his mother that Martine was on hormones and developing breasts.

Why am I just now realizing my sister was transgender?

Have I been in denial or have I lacked information?

“Denial is a cognitive process that is an attempt to alter our experience of unwanted or unacceptable emotions,” writes Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D. in “What Does Denial Really Mean?” “We can use denial to hide from any negative emotion, including shame, fear, guilt or distress.”

Was the reality of the transgender experience threatening? Why?

What if we had been informed about and accepting of Martine’s gender identity?

This is the question that haunts me. It fuels my message:

Compassion is a matter of life and death.

Martine’s return address on an envelope addressed to Pop; it is postmarked April 17, 1975

Do you have questions? If you need more information or want to know more about my story, please email me using the form below.