Stages of Grief in John 11
In April of 1983 my experience of grief became intertwined with this text of scripture. I was a student at Princeton Theological Seminary when I learned of the death of my oldest sibling, Martine, just as I was preparing to preach on the raising of Lazarus in John 11 for the Baptist Campus Ministry at Princeton University. I left without preaching or even finishing that spring semester and flew to my parents’ home in Titusville, Florida, where we held a memorial service at First Baptist Church. In the fall of that year, I went back to Princeton, caught up on my academic work and preached the sermon I had postponed. My understanding of the text developed and deepened over the ensuing 36 years as I returned to it in every ministry setting in which I served and every service of Witness to the Resurrection over which I presided.
During those years, in my ministry and in my personal experience, I have benefitted from the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who identified five stages of the human experience of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. From my personal experience, I propose a sixth stage of the grief process. All six stages can be found within the narrative of John 11.
Denial
Denial is a strong emotional barrier which protects us from that which we are not ready to handle. Often the word denial can carry negative connotations so a friend suggested shrouded as an alternative because we guard ourselves until we have the capacity to deal with the situation and our emotions.
However, the bulwark it provides can prevent us from ultimately facing reality, as was the case in my family. On Sunday, a member of the class described the many clues to Martine’s gender identity as rocks bouncing off the wall of my family’s denial. Denial can take a tone of defiant anger and, in that way, is woven into other emotions in the text.
Anger
Anger has great power and can be focused in any direction, toward God, toward others and even at ourselves. Martha’s anger is confrontational; Mary’s is passive, resistant, reluctant; and the gathered mourners are accusatory. Anger can fuel toxic aggression, but it can also be a positive force to energize and enable us to take needed action and spark important conversations.
If we examine our own anger (rather than pushing it down or acting on it with hostility), consider what triggered it, and how it may resonate with prior painful experiences, we may be able to have a constructive conversation that deepens intimacy. We might also gain clarity for ourselves. What might the energy of our anger be moving us toward? How might the momentum of our anger be moving us forward?
Bargaining
Bargaining is what I like to call the “if only.” For example, if only I had done such and such, if only you had behaved differently, if only we do this, we will find a cure, all will be well, this won’t be real.
Martha and Mary both say to Jesus, in separate encounters, “If you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Here their anger at Jesus is mixed with a sense of “if only.” I resonated with their anger and the bargaining in their expressions to Jesus.
Depression
After Martine died, there was a period when I was unable to get out of bed for three days. I think of Mary, who stayed in the house, immobile, until Martha prompted her to go to Jesus.
...Those experiencing loss often might describe themselves as being ‘depressed.’
But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:
In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.
In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
In grief, thoughts of death may surface when thinking of or fantasizing about “joining” the deceased loved one. In major depression, thoughts are focused on ending one’s life due to feeling worthless or undeserving of living or being unable to cope with the pain of depression.
--Excerpt from The American Psychiatric Association, “What is Depression”
If we find ourselves or our loved ones feeling depressed most of the time for most days of the week, there are many resources available, such as hotlines, talk therapy, and coping skills we can develop. A first step to finding care would be to talk with a physician. Over time I have become more knowledgeable and alert to the signs of depression in myself and more quick to take action. I know that I, like Lazarus, can move from feeling trapped, immobile, isolated, lifeless, hopeless into wholeness and wellness when receiving the care and healing of community.
[If you are experiencing depression, emotional distress, and/or thoughts of death or self-harm, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741).]
Acceptance
Acceptance is often considered the final stage, yet it also may come and go over time. This has been the case for me as I have grieved the loss of Martine. It does indicate the realization of what has happened and the ability to take a single step forward.
It’s a turn from denying a situation, or even the humanity of a person, to being present in a reality that is uncomfortable or finding compassion for a person whom we’ve resisted, even if it's ourselves. If denial is the wall that prevents us from seeing clues, acceptance is the process of creating windows or, perhaps, rolling away the stone.
The Sixth Stage: Advocacy
On Sunday morning, I shared how I’ve found another outcome of the grief process: advocacy.
A call to advocacy can be fueled by grief and loss as well as the empathy and compassion that comes from such experiences. We have seen those who lost loved ones to Covid-19 or experienced life-threatening cases themselves become advocates for the vaccine.
I now see advocacy in the community of care that surrounds Lazarus as he is raised to new life. Jesus tells the gathered mourners what to do and calls Lazarus to come forth, but he does not do the work for them. He calls to the gathered group: Remove the stone! He addresses Lazarus directly and by name once the obstacle is moved: Lazarus, come out! He addresses all who are present and commands them to take action to assist Lazarus as re-enters the world of the living: Unbind him and let him go! The community then comes together to release Lazarus, carefully unwind the cloth that bound him, and tenderly embrace him. Jesus prompts their movement from mourning to action that cares for Lazarus.
As I have learned just how deadly denial, lack of information, secrets and silence can be, I have also learned the power of their opposites. Acknowledgement of a person’s humanity and experience, the commitment to learn more, and the unveiling of secrets when they are toxic lead to speech. That speech is the voice of advocacy. As we listen to the words of Jesus, we will find ourselves called forth to speak and to act with compassion and empathy.
More on John 11
Reflections on John 11
John 11 has served as no ordinary narrative for the church over the past two millennia.